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Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
The invention of the shovel must have been ground-breaking.
The reason good men are hard to find is because they`re usually too busy working.
If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?
Dear neighbor mowing your yard this morning, I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Why is it called stealing when your WIFI is trespassing in my house?
Just changed my wireless network name in my apartment to "I can hear you having sex through the ceiling and it sounds mediocre."
Your a$$ must be jealous everytime sh*t comes out of your mouth.
Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
$100 for a dozen red what?! That`s a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.
Hush little laptop don`t you cry,mumma gonna find you some more wifi.
I am there for you no matter what, anytime, day or night, unless there is something good on TV or I am eating pie
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying.
The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread