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My dog acts like his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
I`m sick to death of these letters from the City of College Station bullying me to mow my grass! If Walmat can prepare for Christmas 3 mths in advance why can`t I do the same for Easter!!!??
I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around.
A reality show where a couple wins $10 million dollars if they show nobody a picture of their baby for the first 2 years.
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
When I`m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they`re safe
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs.”
It was all so different before everything changed.
According to my nipples, there is a 99% chance it`s cold as hell right now!
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer ... That`s all.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
If your girlfriends cat gets eaten by an angry pitbul terrier, gently singing "The circle of life" into her ear WILL NOT cheer her up.