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If you`re wondering about my cooking skills, I`ve been asked to bring paper towels to our family gathering.
Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.
Ha = I didn`t find that funny. Haha = That was funny. Hahahahaha = I want to sleep with you.
Why is it called cliffhanger and not
Ohh sh!t, my b!tch button is stuck.
What if the stickers are the only thing Made In China?
One thing horror movies have helped me realize is that as a parent, you definitely want to avoid having demonic children
Ghetto word of the day: "Bishop", My girlfriend fell down, So I picked that bishop.
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She`s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don`t negotiate with terrorists!!
Your clothes are making me extremely uncomfortable. Please, take them off.
Life gave me onions ... Onionade sucks.
Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those TacoBell hot sauce packets.
You know when dogs sticks their heads out of a moving car window, bite at the air and it looks like fun? I tried it. It is.
Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.