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Nothing makes me turn off my car and start leisurely Facebooking than someone honking at me to pull out of a parking space.
I love going for walks in the rain. You can pee your pants and no one will be the wiser.
I`m in hospital after eating what i thought was onions instead they were daffodil bulbs. Its ok doctors say i will be out in spring.
My wife wants to have more kids but I don`t want to have to learn anyone else`s name.
We all have that one friend who always gives the best relationship advice , but is still single.
Got bored today so I dressed up in tan pants and a blue shirt then went into Best Buy and quit.
"The truth shall set you free"....unless you are in court. Then you should probably shut the f*ck up.
I`m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
Don´t call me crazy. I much prefer the term "mentally hilarious"
When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young
Ever notice that the first 10 seconds of a medical drug commercial is spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest basically daring you to take it?
I snuck popcorn into the movie theater but they won’t let me use their microwave.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
So does screaming at my son in Chuck E. Cheese because he won`t share his game tokens with me make me an evil person? Just kidding! I have no clue whose kid this is.
I’m trisexual, as in, I’ll try to have sex with you.