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I`m a really nice guy before you get to know me.
Business Plan: 1. Hold sign that says "Free Hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions.
someone told me I am immature and need to grow up ... so guess who is not allowed in my snow fort!!!
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Paint thinner? I call bullsh!t. I been painting myself with it all week and I`m still fat.
You just dont know how dumb you are until you get a little smarter
Who me? Oh I`m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong...marriage is fun
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you`ve been screwed to get there.
Why aren`t they called A$$teroids instead of hemorrhoids???
I paid attention to the construction signs and got in the correct lane. You ignored them for miles and now you want me to let you in. Not gonna happen.
Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days.
My buddy told me he was going to Beerfest this weekend, I asked him where, he said "any bar I walk into!!!"
I went shopping for some camouflage trousers earlier. Couldn’t find a pair anywhere.