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Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere.
If I wasn`t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn`t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
It would be a lot easier to drink the recommended 64oz of water a day if it was beer.
You only live once is the most reassuring thing I`ve ever heard.
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all ...
I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language made entirely out of tattoos.
Swiss army knives are only like 8% knife.
When I see a hot girl walking by, I like to look at her and blink very fast and repeatedly so it looks like shes walking in slow motion. Everything is better in slow motion =)
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.
I just got a piece of mail that says "open immediately" but I`m gonna wait a few minutes.
I wanted to book an Elvis impersonator for a party so I phoned them up and got a call centre. It said `press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.`
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
Back in the day, Mom gave us two dinner choices. What she cooked or jack sh!t....
I googled "cigarette lighter" and got 150000 matches.