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I love being married. It`s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
I`m not the sort of person you should put on speakerphone.
30+ and single? There`s an app for that. Wait. My mistake. A cat for that.
One way to know if someone is lying to you is if their facial mole is in a different place every time you see them
There is no angry way to say `bubbles.`
My dog doesn`t always bark like there`s an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I`m home alone and in the shower.
I can’t find the words to express how I have nothing to say
Women are so silly sometimes, thinking men actually care if they fake it.
CPR is the human version of blowing in to a video game cartridge hoping it`ll work again.
Thanks for the free weekend offer E-Harmony but my wife said I can`t use it.
Ahh..Monday, so we meet again ... You dirty bitch!!
Trying to be a responsible adult is messing up my social life.
Why can`t life be as easy as I am?
There are two key elements to success. 1) Never tell anyone everything you know.