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I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
Invite me to your wedding . Invite me to go have fun , but please stop inviting me to your farm .
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Hey! Wanna make $$$$$$ fast? Just follow my simple instructions. 1:Hold down the Shift key 2:Press the number 4 six times. It’s that easy.
When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
About to stick a pin in your voodoo doll.... Brace yourself.
I`m in my 30`s, but I still feel like I`m in my 20`s until I hang out with people in their 20`s and I`m like, "nope, I`m in my 30`s"
I have problems cleaning my house because I get distracted by all the fun things I find.
Gluten free. Dairy free. Fat Free. I love the wine diet!
Some life lessons are so profound; you only need to do them one time. Putting Icy Hot on my balls, for example …
There are two key elements to success. 1) Never tell anyone everything you know.
When someone says "Happy New Years" I wonder, how many years are they talking about?
I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me
You know you’re a mom, when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
A penny for your thoughts, Five bucks if they’re naughty.