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I just took a 5 hour energy and a sleeping pill...LET THE BATTLE BEGIN.
Today I will kick a$$, and make dreams happen...but first, Coffee.
Car horns were invented 1% for safety and 99% because people get pissed off sometimes and need to let a mofo know.
The responsibility of taking out the trash should be left to the person who runs out of ways to fit more trash in the bag.
Me: You`ve dimmed the lights already, aren`t we forward? * smiles suggestively * Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
What kind of jerk makes an anti-anxiety pill difficult to break in half?
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over? You were driving 80 miles an hour. Driver: "No way; I ain`t even been on the road an hour."
I am at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old with a permanent marker without a lid.
Guys, how many times have you said "it looks great honey" when you really are just laughing inside?
Guys would stay home longer if boobs came in a 30 pack.
I was stood in front of the mirror last night, admiring my six pack. Then it occurred to me, why the f*ck am I not drinking it?
Bitch, you`re just like monday, nobody likes you -_-
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazines for the articles?
Fun Prank: Put $1000 in an envelope and mail it to me.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.