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Let`s sleep in until it`s time to go to bed again
I`ll be thankful when this thankful month is over.
I don`t have issues... I AM an issue
Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
??q? uo p??oq??? ? ?nq i ??i? ?s?? ??? si si??
The boss said I should let my creative juices flow. What he doesn’t know is that my creative juices are vodka and cranberry.
OMG, you guys, there`s a button on this stove that says "Stop Time". Should I press it??
I`m not funny, I`m just really mean and people think I`m joking.
You know it`s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
I`m back in the HR office today. In my defense my coworker very plainly said "stick a fork in me, I`m done"
I`m sorry. Putting up with your sh!t isn`t on my To-Do list today.
Why is it all the good things in life are either illegal, immoral, impossible, addictive, or fattening?
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I think abs are for guys that don`t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.