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Relationship status: Don`t tell me to calm down! You called a stormtrooper a robot!
I’ve been in this McDonald’s restroom for over an hour, waiting for an employee to wash my hands.
I`d better check my phone for texts from friends. *checks phone* Well, I`d better get some friends...
"5 React 2 Gum-- Experiences may vary. Stimulate your senses!"-- Same effect as LSD, but chewier.
Just found a hole in my sock and now I`m worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.
Sometimes when I`m bored, I pick out a girl from my list of FB friends that I`ve never actually met and then go back on her timeline and like every single post she made in like 2009......That should freak her out a bit...
I was going to do some spring cleaning, but the snow has ruined it for me.
I`d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
The girls who don’t get a rose on The Bachelor should automatically get a cat.
If you aren`t sure if you like someone, here`s a test: imagine they`re dead. Now, was it an accident or did you murder them?
Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with my car.
With names like "Batman" and "Robin", you`d think they could fly...
Got a new blood pressure monitor, says it turns off after 6 minutes of inactivity .....
Just witnessed kids playing tag. What is this world coming to? Do their parents know they are outside, interacting, and getting exercise?