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That moment when you realize your children have your twisted sense of humor...And you don`t know whether to be proud or scared.
I’m glad you’re learning to laugh at yourself. That was kind of getting awkward for the rest of us.
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
It`s like my golf instructor thinks I`m mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.
hmm ... I wonder what I´m thinking?
I hate it when chicks wear pink camo. I`m like, "girl" where you hiding? Candyland?
50 notifications later I regret ever commenting on your status.
I don`t understand fat homeless people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
People say that 60 is the new 40. The cop who pulled me over didn`t agree.
Attractive Woman: What time is it? Me: Haha. Yeah definitely
When your kids become teenagers, it`s important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.
In the 60`s we took LSD to make the world look wierd. Now the world is weird and we take Prozac to make it look normal.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you`re really clingy and annoying
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don`t know Netflix exists."