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I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned.
My tricks aren`t for kids.
I could do so much more if I only had minions.
"I have no idea. Why don`t you just Google it?" —My answer to just about every question I`m ever asked
I hate when men`s restrooms have no urinals and a bunch of women in them.
Announcement: .. the Time Travelers Meeting scheduled for today will be held last Thursday
One small step for man one giant step for a really small man
Is it bad when I’m talking to myself and I’m not even listening?
I just devoured a six inch from Subway and I`m still not satisfied. I get it ladies. I get it.
I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Birds do it. Bees do it. Heck, even fleas do it. Let`s do it! Let`s live in a homeless man`s beard!
I`m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest any of you in despair and disappointment?
It’s amazing how easily “I have 10 minutes to waste before I need to leave” accidentally turns into “oh crap I’m running late.”
Don`t worry about walking a mile in my shows. Try a day thinking in head.
She caught my iphone before it hit the ground... She`s definitely my screensaver