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3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
During Sex you burn as much calories as running 5 miles ... Who the f*ck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds.
If you’re not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever you prefer.
Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you`ve been screwed to get there.
My wife`s credit cards were stolen last week. I haven`t reported it yet though...because so far, they are spending less than she was.
I don`t lift so maybe I`m wrong about this, but I feel like Popeye might be focusing on his forearms too much.
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
If I pretend to be dead will you stop talking?
If I were to give up Sarcasm, that would leave interpretive dance as my only means of communication.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.
Inspiration: nobody else knows what the hell they’re doing either.
I don’t know how many girls it takes to change a lightbulb but I guarantee you they’d post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.
Full disclosure: All my statuses with less than 3 likes were made by my intern.
I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.
It`s called NASCAR because that`s the way a hillbilly pronounces "nice car"