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I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.
And, yet another day I’ve gone without using calculus.
Sometimes it’s just easier to eat the last slice of pizza than fit the box in the fridge.
Running away does not help with the problems unless you are fat
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
Found out the name of my neighbor`s cat. In other news, I now have free internet.
Facebook: Wasting peoples lives since 2004
It`s hard to feel sorry for people when they get what they deserve.
"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." Things I say to my kids when we`re in public.
I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don`t like her new haircut.
I`ve decided that from now on I`m going to answer every question like a presidential candidate. It`s kind of fun...
"Dean, what are you doing this weekend?"
"That`s a great question -- and an important one. And I WILL do something this weekend. But let me take a step back, and answer a broader question. What are we ALL doing this weekend? As a nation? As a world? This weekend, I will do something comprehensive and robust, yet fun. We all should."
"But what are you doing?"
"What I`m g
Boobs are to men what light bulbs are to moths.
When it gets nice out I`m going to have a roof party and after that`s done have a painting party inside, come all
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...... *high 5*
The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.