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I hate it when I buy organic veggies but when I get them home I find out they are regular frosted donuts...
“What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller.” ~Mario
It`s hard to compliment a fake person without lying.
If the conversation gets too serious and uncomfortable, take your pants off.
Dating should be like buying a car... You should get to talk to the previous owners! SHOW ME THE MANFAX
Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta
Spent $50 on E-bay to enlarge my happy place. The creep sent me a magnifying glass.
We should not have trusted anything Charlotte wrote in her web. She was consistently talking out of her ass.
is procastinating now. Don´t see why I should put it off.
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, Knock over a lamp, and kill a cat.
Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I’ll ever get to yoga.
Redneck`s famous last words: "Is that enough duck tape?"
I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.
Dear small line of dirt that wont go in the dustpan… Screw you.
I get more cleaning done in the ten minutes before someone comes over than I do in a week.