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There are no bad pictures; that’s just how your face looks sometimes.
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart?
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. "You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic"
McDonald’s Management Rule #23: “The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times.”
I think people who challenge me at Words With Friends are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.
I`m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
I think I`m funny - but looks aren`t everything
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Happiness comes from within. That`s why it always feels so good to fart.
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"
Going to make pizza for dinner!! Ingredients Required: Phone, Menu & Credit Card.. Ohhh I can smell it cooking already!! ;)
That awkward moment when your trapped in the corner of your shower because the hot water ran out.
I don`t want it to seem like I`m trying to get rid of you, but GO AWAY!!
My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can`t stuff your face when you`re sleeping.