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You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.
Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!
It`s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn`t
Sh!t`s spiraling out of control and I`m all like "wheeeee."
I just burnt my tongue on my food. It made me realise that it’s the ones we love that hurt us the most.
I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I`m right.
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
When everything is coming your way ... You`re in the wrong lane.
The best nights are those when it never crosses your mind to update your Facebook status.
When is National Slap a Co-worker Day? ... Please say tomorrow
Word for today: Dipshidiot
I like my coffee like I like my men: caffeinated, made of beans, muscular, tousled hair, you know what, I don`t really know how to do this..
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
Now tell me how old your baby is in hours.