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Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
I`m "oh my god, gag me with a spoon" years old.
Is it wrong to tell a knock knock joke to a homeless person ?
I pretend I’m taking an important call and use big words when old people walk by so they’ll think the future is in good hands.
I start to feel really anxious when my work piles up. I never know what to ignore first.
My date just saved me tons of money by simply saying, "no, I don`t want to be your valentine and stop texting me!"
I`m old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You`re annoying enough as it is
I ordered a pizza when my wife went into labor. Thad ad said, "buy a pizza, and get free delivery.
This beer is making me awesome !! ;)
WARNING::World Health Organization says radiation from cell phones may cause cancer. Please text everyone you know about this.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find `em.
My date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Tonight I`m playing hard to get off the sofa.
According to my current parking spot I`m a physician.