Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive ..."Hi"
Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn’t listening to begin with.
If I truly posted what was on my mind ... I´d most likely be in a psychiatric hospital right now.
Rapper; "I`m killing them snitches, smacking then bitches, smokin blunts and f*ckin hoes!" *wins award* Rapper: "I just wanna thank god.."
If people don`t occasionally walk away from you shaking their heads, you`re doing something wrong.
I finally got some "me time" being away from the kids. Two whole hours. Would have gotten more, but my knees started getting numb from crouching behind the dryer.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger. So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex`s car.
If the shampoo and conditioner in her shower are not the same brand GET THE F*CK OUT, SHE`S A MAN!
Question: : What do you get if you add human DNA to a goat? ... Answer: Kicked out of the petting zoo
Have you ever just sat there and realized how weird you are?
I`m not sure who`s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Helpful Tip: Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill
Do the right thing today: Go to someone`s profile, scroll down 4 months, and like something.
I’ve spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn’t rhyme with good.