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I`m going to a wedding rehearsal this weekend. Wedding rehearsals are the only time you see someone practice making a mistake.
I’d like to think I’ve taught Citibank a valuable lesson about handing out credit cards all willy-nilly.
I never get nervous or embarrassed. That`s just some sh*t that sober people who leave the house have to worry about.
Maybe it`s the washer and not the dryer that steals the socks.
I had been dreaming about eating a giant marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was gone! :O
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
My favorite sexual position is pretty much any of them. I`m just glad to be involved.
I like dating chicks with kids, because fruity snacks
It`s bigger on the inside..said no woman, ever!
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous
I made you a cake. I also ate it for you.
Just assume that we aren’t close enough for you to send me a game invites on Facebook.
Getting that beach body is easy. You just have to know where to dig.
People at airports must not workout much because they are all using these treadmills wrong...
The Family Reunion went pretty good until they all figured out that I wasn`t related to any of them