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Oh no! I have to enter my date of birth to view this explicit content! Damn this internet security!
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?
I need new swear words.
The best thing about the internet is how quickly you can offend the maximum amount of people with minimum effort
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you`re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
My browser asks "are you sure?" when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
Eww!!! Beer does NOT taste good on Cocoa Puffs! ..I`m switching back to my Fruit Loops! ;)
I don`t think we appreciate this era enough. For instance, none of us will see old photos of our moms whoring it up on Instagram.
The problem with coffee is trying to make it when you haven`t had any yet.
Never laugh at your wife`s choices. You are one of them :)
If you can`t say something nice about someone, you probably know the same people I do.