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Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
The part of "no" that I don´t understand is the part where I don´t get what I want
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE
One of the greatest things about owning a dog is how happy they are to see you even though you just stepped out of the house for 30 seconds.
I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with the chair I was sitting on!
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I`m like that, but with salad.
I bet wrecking ball operators are some of the happiest people in the world.
This is my first status of 2017. Yeah, I thought it would be better too.
I was called a sexist today ... I said, I think you`re mistaken ...its pronounced sexy
I have said it before. I will at it again. If anyone is into wife swapping. I will take a dirtbike or a puppy. Hit me up.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
I just found my Christmas Spirit.... It`s been in aisle 6 at this liquor store the whole time!
Where is the button to restart summer?