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If you like someone, pretend they`re a charger and you`re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.
Feeling bored? Go to a clothing store and put "one size fits all" stickers on the bras.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They`ll thank you later.
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
I bought a box of "SO CALLED" Hot Pockets --- brought them home, and opened one to eat it, and the Damned thing was FROZEN ----- Miis-Advertizing at it`s BEST!!! Now what do I do with the Damned thing???? :-P
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, `You`re only interested in one thing,` and you can`t remember what it is.
The well behaved rarely make history.
this isn`t the status you`re looking for
When children shy away, I say, "I don`t bite. Not hard anyway!" Then I laugh and bite them hard. They need to understand life`s not easy.
Every day is St. Patrick`s Day when you`re a drunk who likes to pinch people.
Sometimes, when I "like" your post, it`s because my touchscreen is too sensitive and I only meant to scroll by your ass. Sometimes. ;)
You know you had an awesome night when you need sunglasses to get food out the fridge.
I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I´m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"