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Not to brag, but I`m pretty good in bed. I don`t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
I`ve gotten to that age where nothing fits right anymore. Even my birthday suit looks like it needs ironing...
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Who knew rock bottom was so crowded?
When I`m bored, I dress up as Waldo, walk up to strangers (in a crowded airport), and say "psssst... if ANYBODY asks......YOU ain`t seen me... capiche?"
I don`t like country music, but I don`t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means `put down`.
I bought a huge plastic Christmas tree today! the shop assistant asked me if I was going to put it up myself? I told him "Don`t be stupid, i`m gonna put it in the lounge room"
Pizza: 73% delicious, 27% also delicious.
If you go for a jog and you don`t post it on Facebook, have you really jogged?
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it`s probably just as well real lightsabers aren`t available yet.
Baby.. I wanna be the reason you need therapy.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that`s still a sports injury, right?
The grass is always greener where the bodies are buried.
Jail is just the government`s way of sending you to your room.
once you delete your birthday from Facebook, you realize no-one ever gave a sh!t about you all along!