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Ugly people who live in glass houses…shouldn`t live in glass houses.
The awkward moment when you have 10 tabs open and cannot figure out which one the music is coming from.
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
If you had to choose between your girlfriend or GTA 5 which character would you play as first?
There`s a lot of perks being a single parent, for one no witnesses.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
Single women come home, see what`s in the fridge and go to bed...while married women come home see what`s in the bed and go to the fridge.
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my girlfriend how her day was.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: The one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week!
I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that types whatever you say as it keeps making mistakes punctuation point