Daily Silly Status

Sex without love is merely healthy exercise.

So how long before GoFundMe is our nation`s leading health care provider?

I do not fail, I succeed at things that do not work.

Is it weird to get naked during a massage? At what point can I ask the masseuse to put his pants back on?

I just found out that a bucket of KFC when you`re finished with it, also doubles as a porta-potty...

This prefessor`s nuts. He keeps saying pie is square. I know better, pies are round, cakes are square!

It’s a good thing the fate of mankind doesn’t depend on me turning on the correct stove-top burner on my first try.

I prefer to call it a “Ta-Da” list. Cause it’d be amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it.

I always tell the person at the drive-thru that they are so much prettier than I pictured them when I was ordering.

$100 for a dozen red what?! That`s a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.

F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.

The world is full of nice guys who want naughty girls who want bad boys who want nice girls who want nice guys.

You can get super human strength when put in life or death situations. Last night I uncorked a bottle of wine with my teeth during a tantrum...

Posting a status update before responding to someone`s text is the easiest way to let them know how unimportant they are.

I get butterflies in my stomach every time I eat butterflies.