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The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
I’m beginning to believe that successful relationships come down to Netflix compatibility.
Maybe I`m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
You can always tell the guys that masturbate a lot by looking at their hands. If you look close enough you can see their wedding ring.
I think Tampax and Hershey`s should get together and offer a super pack....
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge. Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?
ROFL!!….. LOL jk i’m still in my chair.
Facebook: Making stalking people much more convenient since 2004.
I go into Best Buy and ask "Where are your most expensive yet least guarded items?" Then someone is always nearby when I have questions.
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
Every day is St. Patrick`s Day when you`re a drunk who likes to pinch people.
The naked truth, is always better than someone’s best dressed lie.
Do you know what I hate worse than people? Groups of people.
I need a bank to do two things for me: give me a loan and leave me alone