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It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
I hope we`re friends until we die and then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the sh!t out of people.
Turns out I`m ambidextrous at yet another sport! And I even scored a bingo twice. Left-handed!
This "doing nothing" is hard work, how am I supposed to know when I`m done?
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven...does God hide behind the pearly gates and pretend he`s not in?
#1738 "The fact that people use the wrong "your" and "there" yet spell "Bieber" correctly bothers me."-dd
Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody`s throat.
Mustaches: 1. Like them or not? 2. Should you refuse to go out on a date with someone just because she has one?
I roasted a turkey today, but I don`t think he got the jokes.
Walmart: Because where else in the world can you pay $50 to have your oil changed by someone with a GED, find a sized 46H bra, or run the risk of being filmed live on location with the men and women of law enforcement on your way out the door.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I don`t know what I would do without Facebook, but I`m sure it would be something more productive
It`s not karma, you`re just an idiot.
Never go on a blind date with a friend! She was so big when i took her home she went to my backyard and started grazing.