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I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"
For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck they should at least send me a picture of the broke ass family I support to hang on my fridge.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
Basically the way it works is I tell myself I`m not going to eat too much and then I eat too much.
Empty your medicine cabinet and put another mirror in there. Scares the hell out of snooping house guests.
The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I`ll have to turn to Facebook.
I put the "fun" in "functioning alcoholic"
Always remember, it`s better to arrive late than to arrive ugly.
Inviting a friend to play Candy Crush Saga is like hosting an intervention and providing the crack.
I would have a girlfriend but finding someone who likes to be ignored is hard.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
"Please take a seat" was a bad introduction for a Kleptomaniacs` Anonymous meeting.
I sneak alcohol into work because I`m a problem solver.
If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.