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Know why a room full of married people looks so empty? There’s not a Single person in it…
Still waiting for a "Where are they now?" episode about the Flintstones
I put my phone on airplane mode, and it dragged me out of my seat.
I don`t hate you, but if you we`re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Cheetos so my fingers don`t get orange..... P.S. No weirdos.
The best neighbors are the ones you never see.
My cat probably thinks I`m cleaning my ice cream...
The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.
What doesn`t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
A house is not a home until you can find all light switches in the dark.
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
there is no strong beer, only weak men
I didn’t sell my soul to the devil….we worked out a rent-to-own deal.
Milk Duds: When you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw