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It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you`d like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don`t mind."
To the 84yo woman that won the $591 million dollar PowerBall, sup baby ;)
It takes balls to be a man.
I wonder what I did in a previous life to get reincarnated as me...
On a scale of 1 to "Me".. how smart are you?
Fast way to mess up someones Knock Knock joke? "It`s open."
HR have advised that Iām not allowed to ask my chubby co-workers if they ate my missing stapler.
Welcome to my bedroom,this is where the magic happens.....and by that I mean this is where I read my Harry Potter books.
Dieting Tip, 1. Make a list of people who have a problem with your weight, 2. Cut them out of your life. 3. Enjoy having lost Hundreds of pounds of Idiots.
It`s amazing what you can accomplish when you do stuff.
Roses are cars, violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Eyeballs.
When I was little I didn`t care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it`s obvious that my parents didn`t care either.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I was flattered.
I don`t blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I`d be irresponsible too.