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If I could turn invisible I’d go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he’d get would be amazing!
Pizza is my favorite winter activity
I might enjoy work more if at the end of the day I could slide down the back of a brontosaurus directly into my car.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
I´ll never be old enough to know better.
"Cannot connect to network. Reset your wireless router." "Umm, okay, but what if my router is in my neighbour`s house? Should I call him?"
You don`t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
How come there`s never enough dirt to refill the hole even after you`ve put the body in? Asking for a friend
If I could bring one dead person back to life I`d bring back Walk Disney. Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction..
If you want people to know where you stand, wear the same socks for a week
Fact: if you give your boyfriend a bj each time you act crazy, he`ll not only forgive you,but eventually be thrilled when you act nuts.
I don`t know why they call it Everclear. I drink that stuff and everything is a blur.
I`m angrier than a waitress forced to sing happy birthday
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms: LOL - Lucifer Our Lord, BRB - Burn Religious Books, TBH - Tell Beelzebub Hi
New parent: I can`t believe how awesome my baby is. 10 years later: Wow, they sure do grow up fast...10 years later: Seriously, get the f*ck out of my house!!