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Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart?
I`ve created a shoe made out of Legos, so when you step on Lego it doesn`t hurt. You just get taller.
I could really go for a beer and a million dollars.
I posted one little joke claiming to have won the lottery and Facebook finds me 1,347 new possible relatives.
The last time I got drunk I married Satan..I`m not doing either one again
If Monday had a face, I´d punch it.
Just once I wanna see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f**k..."
My life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
When I say I like to travel, I really just mean I like to get drunk in different places.
Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” .... I said, “I am.”
We`ve spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off.
On a scale of 1-10, I give this day a middle finger.
Just witnessed kids playing tag. What is this world coming to? Do their parents know they are outside, interacting, and getting exercise?
Never do anything for money. Unless it’s a lot of money. Then do anything.