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I’ve robbed banks before and they’re never getting their pens back.
Some things get in the way of my happiness, so I ignore them.
My brain is about as well organized as the Walmart $5 dvd bin.
The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5
I make self-sabotage look like an art form.
Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you.
I just heard "Eye of the Tiger" and now I`m motivated to conquer the world. Or at least get out of my pajamas.
Marriage...betting someone half your stuff you`ll love them forever.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups...
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I`m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Why don`t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
I had a very confident breakdown today. ...Wasn`t nervous at all. ;)
Sometimes saying "F*ck it" is the best decision.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.