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Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a row boat ... and taking the tartar sauce with you.
What do you call a guy who makes "Woman in the Kitchen" jokes? Single.
I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
You know what’s funnier than watching someone trip and fall? Absolutely nothing!
Started a new exercise routine yesterday. So far I`ve only missed one day.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
props to the parent at the mall that walked up afterward to ask santa what his kid wanted lol
Sign said “WET PAINT” So I emptied my water bottle on it. I’m currently waiting on further instructions.
I`m the opposite of psychic. I don`t even know what I`m thinking! ;)
In my experience, temporary insanity can last a long time.
In my will, I´m giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn´t say a word.
why don`t we get discounts for ringing up our own groceries in self checkout?
Nothing is impossible.. Never Give Up.. I know a guy that once actually guessed correctly why his girlfriend was mad at him.. :|
I always scratch off the "Plus One" option on wedding invitations are replace it with "Drinking for two"
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.