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It was love at first sight...I should have looked twice.
I don`t know how many girls it takes to change a light bulb, but I guarantee we`d post pictures of us doing it on Facebook.
Irish Handcuffs: Holding a beer in each hand.
When you consider names for your baby, it`s important to try out the middle name in an angry voice.
If you think I hate you ... I probably do.
After committing a crime, always carry a fire extinguisher. No one gets stopped while running with a fire extinguisher.
Show me a bunch of people with type A personalities, and I`ll show you a control group.
How can I go to sleep when this movie I’ve seen 70 times just started?
75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.
When your running down the street on fire, people will get out of your way
You know it`s getting bad when the voices in your head start texting you
I dont have awkward moments I have "special" moments.e.g That "special" moment when my "special" ex learns that karma exist..
A few more months without getting laid and I should be eligible for employment at Gamestop.
Kids maybe a gift..... But I like playing with the box it came in.
The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations.