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When I was younger, it was wine, women & song. Now I am older, it`s beer, the old lady & TV!
Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.
Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn`t hear you the first 100 times.
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says "trust me, you don`t want to know."
We all need to take great interest in our future because we will spend the rest of our life there.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I`m sobering up.
Half of me is a hopeless romantic. And the other half of me is, well, an asshole.
I`m not anti-social I`m just pro leave me the f*ck alone.
I`m really sick of responsibility ... and underwear
Do the people inside mascot costumes also smile when they have their photos taken?
Going to the skate park to watch people fall.
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!
Apple and Blackberry should team up and make a phone called the Pie.
My sex life is like a Ferrari ... I don`t have a Ferrari
Calories: the little creatures that go into your closet every night and hem the waistline of all your clothes inch by inch