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Which wine goes best with more wine?
Wanted: Magic hat for a snowman
I wake up every morning with the joy & excitement of wanting to go directly back to sleep.
What if animals all speak a universal language, and we’re the odd ones out???
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Marriage is like playing Monopoly. It starts out as fun, gets a little boring, then someone steals money from the bank and no one ever wins.
* feels winds of change * realizes it`s just a hole in my shorts
I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.
Fire at will! Oh, it`s you, Bob! Fire at Bob!"
Don`t get me wrong, Chinese food is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe that a chicken fried this rice.
The problem with rich people is I`m not one of them.
How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
The older I get, the more I understand someone`s desire to just say-"F*ck it. I`m going to be drunk all the time & live under this bridge."