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If Miley doesn`t get her sh!t together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for "hardcore poem"?
Life should be more like hockey. When someone pisses you off, you just beat the sh!t out of them then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes.
Ya know u would never know u where happy if u never had bad memory.
I`m curious: Do girls shake the gasoline nozzle when they`re taking it out of their cars too?
A communist joke isn`t funny unless everyone gets it.
Never forget that we live in a world in which it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Nobody tell my husband that "year round periods" aren`t a thing.
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
B!tch Please, your only fan is the one on your ceiling.
You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.
morning i hate girls evening i need girls
I just bought a house, car and a boat with no payments until 2013. Those f`ing Mayans better be right…
Ok ... I just had a talk with myself, and it did not go well. Now I`m grounded.