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I`ve done a lot of things over the years ... But acting normal has never been one of them.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
There is no such thing as bad luck, there is good luck and life!
My new home security sign : "EBOLA QUARANTINE" - Deters salesman, thieves, and neighbors.
Our office just got a new conference table. It sleeps 20.
The next time the creepy guy at the bar asks you "Why aren`t you smiling?" simply reply, "I don`t smile while I fart."
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
It deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer are in the rghit pcale. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a pobelrm. Tihs is buseace the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Tihs wulod not be psibsole if yuor sutipd. I hpoe for yuor skae you wree albe to raed tihs or taht maens yuor an idoit or barin dmagaed.
“FREEZE! NOBODY MOVE!” – Mother Nature
It`s time to wave goodbye to winter. Guess what finger I`ll be using?
They say that when one door closes, another one opens. Apparently, "they" have never been to jail.
You make me wanna be a better stalker. No, seriously. Slow the f*ck down.
Life is tough. Put on your big girl panties and deal with it like the rest of us.
I used to eat natural food, until I heard people were dying of natural causes
You know I feel the frustration that The Skipper endured because there are days that I too am surrounded by Gilligans