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So much of my day is just keeping myself distracted until it`s time to eat again.
Don`t be afraid to laugh at yourself you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
I`m old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.
I bet Captain Crunch has some amazing abs.
I have a land line just so that I still have the option to slam the phone down when I angrily hang up on someone.
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy
I met this girl in a club last night, I think she’s a body builder. She just so happened to build hers using chips.
One thing I`ll never understand is alcohol free wine
May your life one day be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
Learn a lesson from your dog. No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that crap and move on.
If you think my status updates are ridiculous you should see my life choices
I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt
After socializing and being nice to people all day it`s nice to sit down, drink by myself, and be an a$$hole on the Internet.
Would buy you a drink but I would be jealous of the glass.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone