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Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the smart one
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn`t at work anymore.
We may be an advanced nation but we still have to remind employees to wash their hands when they pee.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
“Until death do us part” means we’re all single in heaven, right?
You would never know I had a college degree if you saw how many times I tried to push when it says pull.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speakerphone.
I put my head between my legs and lean forward.....thats how I roll
Alcohol is never the answer...unless, of course, you ask what I`ll be doing tonight.
I can`t tell if I actually have free time, or if I`m just forgetting everything...
One of the best uses I`ve ever found for invisible ink is when I signed my marriage license with it.
I wonder how many couples would still be together if they traded phones for a weekend
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of your eye but half the time there is anything in my eye its an eyelash!
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. Unless your wife finds out.
When I`m bored, I send a text to a random number saying, " I hid the body, now what?"