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It`s Thanksgiving. Don`t forget to set your scale back 25 lbs
Don’t judge me…If you’re reading this then you aren’t working either.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
It must be really hard to judge wet t-shirt contests. I saw one recently, and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I wonder if there are birds that prefer not to sing in the morning and that just roll around in their nests until noon.
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
Just a word of advice for all you single guys having a hard time out there, Forget the clubs, forget the churches, forget the online dating sites, as the best places to meet single women are the freezer section and down the cat food isle.....
The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf.
I don`t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it
When the machines rise up against the humans, just pray to your God that you`re nowhere near a dildo factory.
Women should run the world. That will give men more time to drink beer and watch sports.
I dont have awkward moments I have "special" moments.e.g That "special" moment when my "special" ex learns that karma exist..
I like to walk by a chick in slow motion so she thinks i`m the one
I love strapping my kids into their car seats. It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.