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That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
Hunting is easier for vegans because it’s easier to sneak up on plants.
Buying new Nikes, call that soul searching
I just saw a woman at Walmart with March Madness teeth ... She was down to the final four.
Anything I say or do before I`ve had my coffee doesn`t count.
Don`t forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
I’d drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.
I don’t have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve.
I feel like doing something productive today. If I sit here long enough, maybe it will go away.
The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing
Does anyone else wonder why naked and baked, 2 words that go together SO well, don`t rhyme?? ...I mean, who comes up with these words anyway? lol
I don’t know how many girls it takes to change a lightbulb but I guarantee you they’d post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.
You know you had an awesome night when you need sunglasses to get food out the fridge.
Imagine my disappointment when I discovered a "Booby Prize" really wasn`t boobies at all...:(
Putting ketchup on steak should also affect your credit score.