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LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
Sadly no matter how hard you try, you can`t mail a fart. Too bad though, because this would actually make paying Bills a lot more fun.
You see I, I´ve raise a toast to all of us. Who are breakin´ our backs everyday. If wantin´ the good life is such a crime. Lord, then put me away, yeah, here´s to you
I`m so unlucky with women? I visited a massage parlour the other day..and they told me it was "self - service"
The way my kids act at Walmart, it`s just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!
"mommy watch this!" is the toddler equivalent of "hold my beer and watch this"
I can’t believe it’s 2012 and there is still no fold button on my dryer.
If by “clubbing” you mean eating club sandwiches then yeah I’m pretty into the club scene.
Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a surprise birthday party.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you`re homeless cause you`re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
Women my age expect a man to have his sh!t together by now. Time to start dating younger women.
Me in a shopping mall: "I like that stuff" *looks at pricetag* "i don`t like it anymore"
We think therefore we must be, but are we?