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My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I said I had a headache.
If you see anything posted from me that involves something normal or appropriate, it is not me. I believe I`ve been hacked.
You Are The Reason My Middle Finger Was Created.
I used to dream about becoming an astronaut. Now I just dream that there`s still time before the alarm goes off.
Sometimes, I wish I could fast forward the time just to see if in the end it`s all worth it.
If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you`ll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.
You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer, but you can`t take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?
All these people are talking about finding Jesus, finding love, finding themselves... I`m like I found 63 cents and four Fritos in the couch!
Scientist Proved That There are more Than 124786534688644478 People Living In This world who are Too Lazy To Read The Above Number...!!!
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren`t happy.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
I don`t know why they call it Everclear. I drink that stuff and everything is a blur.
I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.
Whoever said you can’t “like” your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.