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Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious!
I`ve fallen down the stairs before. I don`t see what joy the Slinky gets out of it. That sh!t hurts.
Being a fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
I am busier than a one legged man in an arse kicking contest.
Enough with procrastination, it’s time for excuses.
The best part about Valentine`s Day is that tomorrow is Friday.
That awkward moment when the automatic flushing toilet goes off when you`re still sitting down.
I`m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to sh!t indoors.
Thinking about staying in tonight? Nobody looks back in life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
I attend weddings simply to hear them two beautiful words that bring so many happy people together...."Open Bar!!"
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,…Why don’t you ever smile in my pictures?
I am sweet, lovable, kind, shy, and innocent ... Oh, for heaven`s sake! Stop laughing!
Defies physics: I eat half a pound of food, `purge` 1 pound of it, and then gain five pounds because of it-- WTF?
Sometimes I think hip hop music gets a bad rap.