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Finally did it. 25 inflatable mattresses later and I’ve finally turned my apartment into a bounce castle.
The guy below me obviously doesn`t know that R2-D2 is in movies, not television
Have a day. That`s about as inspirational I get.
If I go missing this holiday season and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at the gym.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Always be yourself, unless you can be Batman, always be Batman.
Ever notice that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointed away from earth?
"I have no idea. Why don`t you just Google it?" —My answer to just about every question I`m ever asked
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke.
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma`am? Me: No, I`m just dizzy b/c I`m having a heavy flow day. It`s really clotty and... Cop: You`re free to go.
"I can`t believe it`s not clutter." ~ A recovering hoarder
Not to get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.
A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women`s facial expressions. Main reason? They usually aren`t looking at her face.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.