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Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advise.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: “I want you to treat me like a movie star,” it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
The biggest problem with two-faced people is, never knowing which face to slap first.
How did the inventor of the clock know what time it was?
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.
My favorite all time cooking shows: 1. Iron Chef 2. Hell`s Kitchen 3. Breaking bad
If a man doesn`t drink when he`s living, how in the hell can he drink when he`s dead?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, there is no question. I would want them to be alive.
If A Couple in Love are called Love Birds, then a couple who fight with each other should be called Angry Birds.
There`s always cake to celebrate happy moments, but I really think cake would do better during the bad times. Got fired? Have a cake.
My phone dies faster than a black man in a horror film.
CONGRATULATIONS! You are the 13th woman he`s called "beautiful" on Facebook today.
Don`t you hate it when you`re typing something and you`re thinking about something else so then you subconsciously type what you were boobies.
I find it quite ironic that the most dangerous thing about weed is getting caught with it.