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I read that a banana a day will help keep your colon clean. I just wish they would’ve mentioned that you’re supposed to eat them.....
Saw my Ex with some guy at a bar last night... so I ordered a beer, took a few sips then gave her date the rest of my drink... Walked away.
My inner child is a drunken whore
It must be annoying for nudists when they have to clean their glasses
Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but then I look at my wallet and I feel alright again.
"Try to score a goal. Don`t use your hands. See you afterwards." - Soccer coaches
The best curve on a girl is her smile ;) ... Lol just kidding!
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,400 hours. Roughly the same as one Monday on earth feels.
I`m glad I`m me, I don`t think anybody else could take it.
Just saw Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter... So that`s how it happened! I knew what I learned in history class was a bunch of crap!
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
ever notice that on a phone the word "mom" is 666?
I would`ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited `til it was dark instead.
That annoying moment when a package says "easy open" and you need scissors, a knife, a gun, and a lightsaber just to open it.
A friend of mine told me i have to update my self and I asked my self : does he mean there can be a latest version of me?