Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch.
The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes… Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating. She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.
Do bees even have knees?
What if cell phones are part of an elaborate plot to rid the world of phone booths so Superman has nowhere to change?
MAY` contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn`t. DON`T WASTE MY TIME
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those? -Me, at Home Depot
When nobody`s home, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house.
This is probably the best idea I`ve had yet! -me, right before I do something stupid
Someone just called me normal, I`ve never been so insulted in all my life!
Looks like I’m in the doghouse again, but I don’t know why. All I said to the wife was, “Is there anything important you want to tell me before the World Cup starts?”
I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon.
Having kids puts a new perspective on life.