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So much of my day is just keeping myself distracted until it`s time to eat again.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
They say love is in every corner... my life must be a f*cking circle!
Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of "capes in the toilet water" accidents when they went to take a dump.
I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM child
You never know what you have until..... you clean your room
Did you ever stop to think that maybe vodka is addicted to ME?
A normal person is just someone you don`t know well enough yet.
The way to win the lottery is to choose the correct numbers in the correct sequence before they are announced. (You’re welcome)
tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes
I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don`t really understand kites or insults.
How do you make your wife scream during sex?? Call her and tell her about it.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on for awhile.