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I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science.
"The Ugly Duckling" has a great message. Everything in life will work itself out once you become physically attractive.
If I`ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven`t figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.
I was struggling,trying to figure out how lightning works .....then it struck me!
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
Whats the definition of a tree? Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.
Maybe America will believe in global warming if we make it a Snapple Fact.
According to serving sizes tonight, I`m a family of 4.
wants to jump in a cab and yell "follow that car!"
Birds do it. Bees do it. Heck, even fleas do it. Let`s do it! Let`s live in a homeless man`s beard!
Don`t sell yourself short, in fact, don`t sell yourself at all. I`m pretty sure it`s illegal
My scars tell a story. A story about a guy who`s really f*cking clumsy.
No one will ever look at you the way I do ... But thats probably because no one will ever do it from the tree outside your window
You haven`t truly tested your patience yet until you get stuck behind an undecided person at a Redbox kiosk.