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Having a contest with my couch and my washing machine to see who has more money. So far I`m in 3rd.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself." ~5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
This pill bottle says `Take with plenty of fluids` and `Don`t take with alcohol`. That doesn`t even make sense
If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They`ll thank you later.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That`s where I come in.
Yes I stalk you, but only as a friend.
The guy who used to proofread Hitler`s speeches was the first grammar Nazi.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it`s Santa Claus!" so I don`t have to get up.
It`s hard to trust people. Even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
is without a doubt, the most popular and best looking person using this laptop.
Homes are 750 square feet larger today than they were 30 years ago. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.
I just saw the neighbor`s kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I`m thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn`t supposed to.
The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.