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I bet the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial doesn`t ever ride his motorcycle on Martin Luther King Blvd in any town.
I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. "Guys, we`re all millionaires, none of this matters."
What do sleeping and sex have in common? I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
Happy "Another excuse to drink" Day!
One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
I don`t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGI Friday`s once a month and glue more sh!t to the wall, no one notices, try it
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed. And I won’t rest until I find it.
Even though I`m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
All the good ones are either taken or imaginary.
The hardest job in the world must be working in a bubble wrap factory. Can you imagine the self control that is required?
I don`t need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure winter, fall asleep, and controll my high blood pressure
Tomorrow I`m going to start using big words to sound smart....Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
When a guy says "I`m Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.
If you want to pick up girls ....Keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Stop picking on Justin Bieber. That`s somebody`s daughter.