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So I´ve narrowed it down and I´m either gonna start a motorcycle gang or take a nap.
If Jehovah`s witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I`d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
I do whatever the little voices tell me to do.
I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
The best way to grill a chicken is to whack it with a rubber hose before you ask why it crossed the road..
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and that`s where I sleep.
I`d like to be poor for a day, because being poor everyday gets to be real annoying after awhile.
To the untrained eye, I`m quite handsome.
For most things there’s MasterCard For everything else there’s Vodka
If I was a waiter.. I would plant fake engagement rings in every girl`s champagne glass, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up, if that doesn`t accurately describe my life I don`t know what does
If there wasn’t such thing as a last minute I’d never get anything done.
Gee I wish I could push the envelope... But it`s stationary.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole. jk
Love your enemies; after all, you made them!