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finally got my certification in the mail, I`m officially insane.
You can always tell the guys that masturbate a lot by looking at their hands. If you look close enough you can see their wedding ring.
Just been wondering what "please Do Not Touch" would be in Braille
If I gave you a penny for your thoughts I`d totally be expecting some change back.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those? -Me, at Home Depot
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please dont let Kevin Bacon die!
Apparently typos only become visible to the human eye after you hit send.
If you go for a jog and you don`t post it on Facebook, have you really jogged?
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn`t trust us
Today is National Fritters Day. I don`t know what that means, so I just went naked today. Gotta be something like that.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
Take my advice; I don’t use it anyway.
Does this floor I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
All women have an hour glass figure – it’s just that they all tote around different amounts of sand.
The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Three of my neighbors have disappeared.