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Who is this "Moderation" they keep telling me to drink with?
I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
I`m on a pepperoni pizza cleanse.
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren`t in the database.
Cats have been named the #1 pet held hostage by lonely women.
Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?
I took my family to Sea World this weekend, but i wasnt allowed in. Apparently you cant take your fishing rod.
I ate a shepherd`s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the internet.
Maybe it`s inappropriate for the first date but if there`s a maze on the menu I`m asking for crayons.
When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it`s not what you think...
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you`ll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.
I kinda like zombies...but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk? ... my apocolypse plans depend on it ... thanks!
Elevators are so stupid. They have a button for the floor I`m already on.