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I`ve done a lot of things over the years ... But acting normal has never been one of them.
I clean my house like everyone else ... 5 minutes before someone comes over.
All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich?
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know...Oreos.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."
You can run from your problems. Unless your problem is a cheetah.
The guy who invented, "Take Your Child To Work Day," probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on his way to work..
Donald Trump`s hair saw its shadow. We have six more weeks of protesting.
Its too damn early. Even the voices in my head are still snoring.
Those raccoons must of had one heck of a party last night!!!! That`s the 4th one I`ve seen passed out on this road
You sure do seem to know a lot about love and relationships for someone who spends 22 hours a day on Facebook.
Most days I think I understand women, but then the alcohol wears off.