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Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs.
I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I`m eating pizza alone.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you`re looking for a business manager.
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
I’ve made some pretty bad choices in life but I have to admit, having orange juice with Oreos was the worst.
I was in a taxi and the driver said "I love my job. I`m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That`s really great, now take a left here."
“Get your panties in a bunch” would make a great slogan at Costco.
Look in the mirror and tell me that God does not have a sense of humor.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can`t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
when I`m quiet, strangers look at me and think I`m shy. People who know me think: OMG! he`s thinking! EVERYBODY RUN!
I just took the "What Kind of Asshole are You?" quiz and got "The kind that posts my results on Facebook".
A real man should never wave faster than he says the word “hey”
Is professional lollygagger an actual job yet?
“I wonder how much weight I’ve lost.” -Me, after eating one healthy meal.
Sometimes in life, all you really need is a lot of money.