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Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.
I don`t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence...but hey, somebody has to do it!
I just scrolled so far back on Facebook`s Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace. :(
Am I supposed to bring condoms to a speed dating event? How fast do these things actually go?
My 12 step program means parking closer to the bar.
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed. And I won’t rest until I find it.
Three words to ruin a woman`s ego. "I can`t tell."
I am finally old enough to realize my father was right, but now my kids think I am wrong.
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
It`s impossible to get a parking ticket if you don`t have windshield wipers.
Why is it the less money someone makes the better they are at reproducing?
"If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun" ~ My son apparently
Since it is the day to give thanks, I would like to say once again...you`re welcome.
After all these years, I`m beginning to suspect that Waldo doesn`t want to be found.
Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(